Say Yes.

For awhile I have hesitated to write this post because it will most likely make people uncomfortable. But lately, I have found joy in the uncomfortable. So why not?

When I was a senior in high school. I was so unhappy. Everything seemed to be working against me, but in reality I just wasn't following Christ like I should. He told me I was called to go to Uganda for sure without a doubt, and I ran. I ran so far away from God's will that I was miserable. I remember one night being so depressed, all I could do was pray to God that I needed him and I could not do life without him anymore. I remember saying "Your will, not mine" Oh how that one simple phrase completely wrecked all MY plans. He led me to Louisiana College, he led me to the most solid friends a girl can have, and I was able to go to Uganda for the first time as a freshman in college. He is so faithful. Fast forward three year laters, and here I am about to graduate with a  degree in social work, and leave the country for four months. Wow.

For the past couple of months I have been preparing to go to Uganda and spend four months there. Which has been absolutely overwhelming, and a little crazy at times. Questions I ask myself daily are: How does one prepare for this? How am I going to raise all this money? Why me? Why can't God choose someone else? What if something happens to me? Things I say daily: I can't do this. I'm not good enough. I can't live without chickfila and hot showers that long. I'm terrified of traveling alone.

And all that God tells me is this, "Just say yes".

When I finally broke down, and decided to just say yes to God's plan all of the anxiety and questions went away. I will be prepared, and God will provide all of my needs. God chose me for a reason, and if something happens to me-he is still good. I am good enough. I am strong enough. And life goes on without chickfila and hot showers (help me Lord). Once I said yes, everything changed. I was no longer stuck in this awkward what do I do stage. People started coming out of nowhere with donations, and I even had an article in the town talk, like what? The Lord was so faithful in showing me that I am right where he wanted me. He is showing up every.single.day and my heart may explode.

Last Sunday I was told that I was a better Christian than most because I was going to be going to Uganda for a whole semester, and doing the "dirty work". My goodness how my heart broke when I was told that. I am told things like that all the time. You are "inspiring", "a hero", "amazing". Oh how I wish I were all of these things, but I am simply not. I struggle just like everyone else does, I make good and bad decisions. Sometimes life is just hard, and it's amazing that I just get up in the morning.

Then the next thing I was told was, "What would the world be like if everyone said yes to God's will for their lives?"

I thought about this question for the rest of the day. What if everyone said yes whenever God told them to go? What if there was no such thing as fear? What if everyone lived out their call completely and totally? This is something that I ask myself daily. I am so thankful that despite that everything seems like a hot mess sometimes I know that without a doubt I am in God's will. I am happy, and at peace. This has been on my heart for such a long time, and I have struggled with going to Uganda for awhile now. But instead of running from my call, I just said yes. Oh what a difference that has made.

"Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double minded."-James 4:7-8


My life this past couple of months:

http://www.thetowntalk.com/story/news/local/2015/09/11/african-internship-helps-lc-student-fulfill-gods-call/72064356/

If not, he is still good.

Four cycles of camp have come and gone... and I have been trying to figure out the words to say. Life has been insanely busy since camp has started, but I have been thinking about this one blog post for weeks. Trying to blog about camp and put into words what I have been feeling is a huge challenge for me. So this is my attempt at just that.

My first cycle of camp was a dream. I experienced everything for the very first time. It was as if I was constantly running, and I couldn't catch my breath... but at the same time I didn't want to miss a single thing. It was everything I had hoped for and more. The Lord was gracious and gave me an amazing bible study, and a awesome church group for the week. I had everything I had ever wanted and more. I began to talk to my kids and learn more about where they come from, and all of a sudden reality came back into play. These kids had baggage, some heavier than others. They had heartbreaks, and all some of them needed was someone to love them. I had one little boy who forever changed the way I see the gospel. He was that kid. The kid who didn't like me, who distracted everyone, and who frankly didn't care. He popped my dream bubble and challenged every single thing I believed. I went back to my room that night and cried and prayed. I prayed his name over and over again that the Lord will change his heart.  The next day this little boy acted completely different because the reality was that God was changing my heart. It was me that was the problem, and the Lord completely changed the way I loved him. It was different, it was easy, and it changed the course of the whole week. He began to ask questions, and every day he still challenged everything I believed but it was in a positive way. I still prayed for him without ceasing, and one night he decided to begin a relationship with Jesus. I will never forget when another staffer told me about his decision, as both of us stood there and cried with joy... that is the moment that I realized this is worth it. During this cycle I had an incredible church that I was host for, and they loved me so well. Hearing every story, and joke from them got me through each day. They are truly precious, and I will consider them to be part of my story forever.

Then came cycle two which was automatically a little smoother because I had an idea of what I was doing. This week brought another church group that immediately welcomed me into their family. I began to become comfortable in my role as a staffer, and I was confident in my ability to teach bible study. This week was smaller, and so I loved being able to know each child personally. Because it was so small hearing everyone's personal stories became more difficult for my heart. Hearing of the heart break and family situations was so tough, but it also reminded me of why I was still there. I also had another little boy in my bible study who just struggled. He struggled with questions about God, he struggled with his home situation, and once again he challenged everything I had ever believed. He didn't care to be at camp, and I could tell he had been through more heart ache than I could have ever imagined. I immediately began to pray that the Lord would love on him, and show up in a mighty way. Sure enough a couple of days into camp he talked to one of the other staffers about his salvation. I remember the feeling that night as well, and thought to myself that this will never get old. The feeling of kids knowing Jesus for the first time will never get old.

Cycle three came and all I remember is how much fun I truly had. This week was so much fun, and everything involved laughter. I had a little boy in my bible study who once again challenged me, but he was so much fun. He brought me so much laughter and joy I will never forget it. He had such a tough home life, but he was one of the happiest kids I had ever met. I will never forget us walking one day, and he looked at me with all seriousness and said, "Why do you love me?" That is when reality hit that he had never known what it felt like to be truly loved. I explained to him that he was created by God and loved deeply by a creator and that I loved him because he was hard not to love. He was one of the best kids I had ever met, and it was heart breaking to see how unloved he felt. In that moment all he said was thank you, and had the biggest smile on his face. It hit me that I had never told him that I loved him, I just spent time with him. May I always remember that my actions speak louder than my words. 

Cycle four came in like a hurricane, and I had no clue what adventure was about to take place. I was so excited because check in days always get me excited. Check in days mean new kids, and a new church to host. It is always one of my favorites. Every time a church arrives you jump up and down and welcome them to camp. It's so much fun. I was jumping up and down welcoming kids to camp when I landed on my foot wrong. I thought I had just twisted my ankle, so I kept standing. I immediately couldn't stand anymore, and the pain was unbearable. So some of my staff brought me inside, and I elevated my foot to see what would happen. I remember immediately feeling angry because check in day was my favorite, and questioning God on why this would happen to me. We thought it was just sprained so the next couple of days I stayed off of it, and kept it wrapped. After three days the pain was still the same. I couldn't walk on my foot at all, and it still hurt pretty badly. At this point my attitude was terrible, and I just kept getting more angry. I kept telling God that I loved camp, and I wanted nothing more than to be able to do what I loved. It broke my heart to see everyone able to do camp, and I just didn't understand. By the fourth day my Assistant Director Hannah took me to the nearest urgent care to get an X-Ray to see what was going on. This girl has a heart of Gold, and I couldn't have made it through the week without her by my side. I also was thankful she was taking me to the doctor because I had such an awful attitude. Being at the doctor was interesting, and by the end of the appointment he just came in and said my fifth metatarsal was broken. I didn't have any words. I had so many thoughts "What does that mean for camp?" "Why is this happening?" "This is not my plan, God" Hannah was such a champ, and understood the pain I was feeling. I didn't really say anything, all I could muster up was "if not, you are still a good God". As soon as we got out to the car I blew up, and I was super emotional. Even then I kept telling myself "if not, you are still a good God". As we got back to camp there was two emotions anger and confusion because all I wanted was everything to be normal again. It was that afternoon that I was told that I needed to go home and see an orthopedic doctor to make sure everything was healing in the right direction. At that moment everything shattered. I felt as if the life had gotten sucked out of me, and I didn't know what to do. All I could think about was leaving my team who had become my family. That day was full of tears, and sadness. All I can remember is sitting in worship that night in the back. We watched a video on how people didn't have water, or places to live... and here I was having a nasty attitude over a broken foot. I remember God speaking to me and telling me that this broken foot wasn't forever. He had a plan. He had a beautiful plan, if I would just trust. When I left my spirits were high, and I knew that God had a plan for me. I began to lean on him more and just trust that everything would turn out okay. This last week has been full of intentional conversations that the Lord wanted me to have at home, and sharing Jesus with people at home has been just as good as camp. I am so thankful that the Lord has allowed me to go back to camp. As I head back to camp all I can say is "if not, he is still good". The Lord will fight for us, if we allow him. Please continue to pray for me and the special team around me. During this whole time my staff has loved me and served me well. God isn't finished yet, and I can't wait to see what else God does with my summer.

I will leave you with this, my anthem for the summer. This is the verse I read the morning I broke my foot, and this is the verse I read as I left my team. Oh how I love this.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day."-2 Corinthians 4:16

Retweet.

So, it has been a year since I have blogged and so much has happened since then. I am beginning to blog again because I have a super amazing summer ahead of me, and this is the easiest way to keep everyone posted about what's going on in my life. This summer I will be working for Centrikid Camps as a staffer, and I will be serving at Ridgecrest in North Carolina and at Norman Park in Georgia. I am so excited to serve alongside my team, and grow in my own relationship with Christ.

So... Training Week. 

This past week all the Centrikid staffers met up in Campbellsville, Kentucky. This was a time for us to get to know our team, and get prepared for all of our roles while at camp. The day that it was time to meet my team, I remember feeling so anxious about how everything was gonna go. I was nervous about not being prepared enough, people not liking me, etc. And then this happened....

I got to meet the most amazing team a girl could ask for. The people on this team have poured into me all week, and have made me feel so welcome. I am thankful to be able to serve with such God honoring people, and people who truly want to make a difference. We have laughed, cried, and shared our hearts this week. And I am so thankful that these are the people I get to do that with. So, pray for us. Pray for my team and that we will truly make a difference in kid's lives this summer. 

This week we focused on our key verse for the summer and it is: 

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart-Jeremiah 29:13

I truly had to unpack this verse myself before I could begin to teach it to kids. I struggled over this verse.. what does it mean to me to search with all my heart? What's keeping me from searching with all my heart? These were hard questions that I had to deal with myself. Many times I am guilty of just teaching a bible study without applying it to my own life, and so this week I was thankful to have time to figure out what it meant for me to live this out myself. This is such a good verse for everything in my life, because it teaches me that in everything I do I should be seeking God with all my heart. This is a humbling verse to learn, even as a 21 year old.

Most of this week was spent going over bible studies, track times, having team meetings, and spending time in worship. By day two I was already physically exhausted. I thought to myself that the week would be impossible to finish, and I had zero confidence in myself that I could do it. But, throughout the day my prayer was "Lord, I need energy". It was a constant prayer that I had to pray, and the Lord really showed me how faithful he was to provide for me. Not only did I not feel tired during the day but I had energy... something that I could not do by myself. Which lead me to this verse:

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.-Philippians 4:19

If I can remind myself of this verse this summer, I will definitely be in much better shape as a staffer.

Overall, I know that this summer is going to stretch me and test my faith more than ever. It will be difficult at times, but seeing kids come to know Christ will make it all worth it. I have no doubt that God has placed me here this summer for a purpose, and I cannot wait to experience all of it for the first time. As a kid, going to Centrikid was the highlight of my summer mostly because of the staffers. I am beyond excited to be able to give back to a camp that has done so much for me. It's going to be an amazing summer. Please be in my prayer for myself, my team, and the kids that I will be able to spend time with.